1. Recycling wine bottles requires walking to the end of the driveway. Recycling your boyfriend requires well-timed texts that convey the proper amount of nonchalance, lack of desperation, and fabulousness.
2. Your Grandmother won’t mind if you bring home international varieties.
3. Getting wine to open up requires a corkscrew, rather than 6 months of prodding, nagging, obsessing and feeling like a psycho. Why didn’t he respond? He read it. It says “read”. Why doesn’t he disable that passive aggressive feature, anyway? I mean really! Did his last girlfriend have that feature enabled? I am not available enough? Wait. He’s typing.
4. If an interesting smell emits from your wine, you can just label it “barnyard”… and keep drinking. Seriously. It’s just an earthy funk. Terroir. A sense of place. But THAT smell? That smell that came from him? That should not be naturally occurring.
5. Instagram your wine, and all your friends will instantly think you are sophisticated and your life is carefree and amazing. Instagram your boyfriend and your friends will talk shit about you.. yes, they all will. Eventually. Don’t you have anything else to do than be consumed with him? He’s not all that.
6. It always makes you feel good about yourself.
7. It never asks you if it can do… that.
8. A wine that’s too young just needs a little time to breathe. A boyfriend that’s too young… you’ve become a cougar.
9. You’ll always look back on your first “good” wine with fondness. Never with heartbreak.
10. You actually *want* to put it in your mouth… just kidding, fellas. We like it. Really.
Kaitlin Ohlinger is a writer living in Columbia, SC. She tweets at @winesnobsc.
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